Last week Scott texted me in the middle of the day asking how things were going. I replied not great and it had been a hard day. He asked what had happened. Nothing really. It was a typical day but for some reason everything felt so hard. Sometimes I think that I am failing. I don't know at what but, just that its not working. I don't feel like that all the time. But sometimes.
I read a post that really expressed what I had been thinking, you can read it here. She says it so elegantly and captured all that I have recently been thinking about. There are days when it feels like I have done nothing except feed the kids. I might love nap time too much. It sucks being pushed to your limit.
I have lots of room to grow. My inadequacies are daunting. Being a parent is hard. I worry that I am making all the wrong choices. But at the same time it does feel peaceful and happy and somehow complete.
Sometimes I wonder what else is out there. I read another blog post about the choices we make. You can read it here. Not that I don't love this life, and it IS what I have always wanted, but I do wonder. I made my choices and have no regrets. I chose to work to support my husband through school instead of get my masters. I chose not to continue my professional career. I just wonder. A friend recently said to me how lucky I am that I don't have to work and although I do consider it a true blessing I still believe that it was a choice that Scott and I made. I don't think that aspect would make my life more fulfilling. But there is a part of my brain that tugs at me saying I didn't amount to much. I'm just being a parent and I'm not always good at that. We knew what sacrifices we would have to make to have the blessing of raising my kids full time. A bigger house or more expensive cars or lots of things isn't what I want. I don't think that those things would make us happier and it doesn't entice me to go work. I have a small life and it is also precious.
Sometimes I feel guilty because some people's struggles are so deep and hard and heart breaking. I have watched people be open with some of their challenges, and how they've handled them with such grace and strength. I am sure I don't see those moments of devastation and tears when they are on their knees in prayer. I don't have it all together or figured out, but I don't have those heart wrenching trials right now either. What are my struggles? I don't even know. So why does it feel hard? I am a worrier. I am a planner. I am sometimes an obsessor. But I don't have big or hard things to obsess about. People might get annoyed talking to me because I talk about the same stuff. Repeat repeat obsess obsess. I should be more grateful.
I don't want anything to come of this. I am just putting it out there. Don't read into this, especially you Scott, if you read this, which you might not.
3 comments:
Oh, I have so much to say to this post, but I'll keep it short. #1- How cute is your husband to text you midday just to see how your day with the kids is going. #2- I think me and many others would agree you are, what looks like from the outside, as the appitimy of success in what you've chosen as your calling in this season of your life as a mother. Making your kids enjoy, experience, and learn all that their little bodies can soak up is what you do best and you do it to the fullest. #3-Take if from me, being a mom and pursuing a career usually makes me feel medicore at best in both areas. #4- And thank goodness those around you who do struggle with hard things have you who will always support and give of yourself without thinking twice. #5- Honest posts are nice because they remind us that we all experience feelings of doubt sometimes and that's alright. So much for keeping that short.
My thoughts and feelings to a T! Thanks for expressing what I have been feeling lately and reminding me to get on my knees more when I just can't do it anymore (caring for my mom is SO hard on top of my children)...I need to pray! You are such an inspiration to me!
Amen! Remember in college how we always joked about being mediocre at a great many things but not really fabulous at anything? It looks like we still feel that way 10 years later. I read your post to Brittny and my mom and a whole conversation about women's roles ensued. The general consensus is that women can't have it all. Period. Whether you're a full-time working mom or a stay-at-home mom, you're still sacrificing something. Even women who do both grapple with feeling guilty that their total undivided attention isn't on just one thing. I don't really have an answer, but the place I've gotten to is to make the most of the decision I've made and live my life in a way that I will have no regrets in 20 years. I love the idea of trying new things and going new places and doing as much as we can even with little kids attached to our hips. That way, even on days where we only feed our children and kept them alive for one more day, I can feel that this is still important, but not all there is to my life.
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