Oh baby!

It is bittersweet for me to say that I am 34 weeks along this week. Sweet because I know 6 weeks is going to go by so stinkin' fast.  These next few weeks are going to be especially busy so I think that is going to help. Bitter because I still have 6 weeks! Well, 6 weeks until my due date but I don't plan on going that long.  Your mind is in control of your body, and so, I have decided in my mind that this baby is coming early. That will work right?

I am getting tired of being pregnant. I didn't feel like that with Olive so much. I was very pregnant and swollen with her but the reality of bringing home a baby was very overwhelming, so I was fine that she was still in there.  She could stay as long as she wanted because she was "with me" but my life didn't have to change at all.  This time I am not nearly as worried about bringing home a newborn. In a lot of ways I think it will be easier. I remember my sister-in-law talking about how it is easier to have kids and a newborn than having kids and being very pregnant.

The depressing part is that at this point, I am growing out of my maternity clothes. It is getting a little ridiculous. I am looking more like Gus Gus every day but I refuse to buy anything. I really hate my clothes right now. I can't wait to wear cute clothes again! Milo, on the other hand, has been getting lots of cute clothes.  I am excited for him to be here so he can wear them.  A lady my mom works with was very sweet and gave us a whole box of clothes. We are so grateful because one thing we don't have our little guy is clothes. I have also been working on tons of projects for him which makes me anxious to have him so he can wear/use them all.

The reality of 6 weeks (or a month like I am planning)  is that means I actaully have to have this baby. At my last appointment I found out my midwife is having surgery so will be not be delivering until the middle of May. That means I will probably have another midwife which is fine, but still kinda disappointing. I chose the hospital and everything because of my midwife and now she won't be there.  I am also getting nervous because our hospital is kinda far away. I think we have 2 hospitals closer and one is literally 5 minutes from our house. I am also getting anxious about knowing when to go. Or how will I know that it is real labor?  Those are the things stressing me out the most right now. That is probably because I don't know what I am actually in for. I mean, I try to practice and everything. It seems so easy when you are not having actual contractions!

The other reality of (less than) 6 weeks is that life will get back to normal. I just have to get through 6 more weeks. It doesn't matter how I get through, it's only six weeks.  I have been really out of it lately, mostly lacking motivation.  Some days Olive eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches twice a day. I tell myself that only a few months of not the best nutrition will not effect her over a lifetime.  It's only a couple months!
Sometimes its hard not to feel guilty.  Why do I do this to myself? Why get the guilts about the small stuff when there are so many big things I am doing?  I mean so what if Olive hasn't played playdough, or done craft time, or eaten a well balanced meal in months?  What does it really matter that I let her watch a whole movie in the evenings because by 7 o'clock I am exhausted. At least we are watching it together right?  Besides, we have gone to story time and had tons of play dates and  her pb & j's are on homemade whole wheat bread, all while growing this rambunctious baby that won't let me sleep and gives me terrible heartburn. I will be able to do all of those things when this baby comes out because I could do all those things before he was in there. And that is what I tell myself while I'm up at 6 am blogging because I can't sleep.